Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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