if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
