carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
