i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
