I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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