JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
