guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
