Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
