Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
