Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
