I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize