I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I feel like abortions should bother me more
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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