i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
