Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
