So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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