Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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