He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
wow bdsm is so cute
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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