He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I made him laugh his dick is mine
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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