Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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