youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
