he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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