I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
