i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
