so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
