You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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