did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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