Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
