how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
