that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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