My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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