but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
