God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
