I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize