Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
