Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
