Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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