Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
