the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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