I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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