It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
