I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
