he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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