Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm really busy with my period
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