this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
