All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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