That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
