What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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