My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
