Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
