So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
