I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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