Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize