i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize