everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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