Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
