It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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