Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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