Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Are we still banned from the library?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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