i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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