I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
