Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
