tell your sister to shave her snatch
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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