I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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